Yesterday I met up with some people for frisebee golf again. It was pretty fun. It was nice out and sunny and we lost one of the new frisebee's that my friend got first day of using it. He threw it so far into the forest there was no hope of finding it lol but we tried. Afterwards we got mcdonalds. Why is everyone into mcdonalds again? I mean not to be above it but every surface is sticky and the nuggets aren't even that good. The fries and sprite are good though I guess. Kind of a hot take but whatever. Then me and my friend drove up to the city to see this band we have been meaning to see. We went to the park before the shoe to take photos of the water. Its always such a shock being in a big city and seeing everything be nice and good. The people look so much different. Its probably the money lol. But, it could be the mental too or attitude. It was so beautiful. We got to the show early and there were like 4 other groups waiting pretty much so we thought the show was gonna be pretty quiet or a smaller turn out. But people showed up. Someone while waiting said the band we were gonna see was fully convinced that they were midwest emo which is insane cause they sound nothing like that. But okay... Genres are screwed anyways but yeah that was not okay. If you know the band's music you would be shocked too. I was fully shocked. Someone also in the crowd said that went to a show and tried to stage dive and no one caught them... Like that is sad and messed up but also sort of funny in a messed up way.
The openers were okay their music isn't for me but they put on a great performance. The first band reminded me just a little bit of parquet courts earlier stuff. With the vocals and drumming and guitar playing wise. They had a local oldhead guy come out too just for them which was so wholesome to see. That is awesome massive respect. I think he got the setlist. When the band we came out to see that was headlining was soooo insanely good. I want to be as good as guitar as that. Like treble turned up and he had so much style while playing. The riffs from the songs you wouldn't suspect to be that difficult to play. But live like wow it looked pretty hard to play. The vocals were amazing. Just like the recordings and even better. I don't know how you hit those high knows with that much emotion like wow. They came back on after the show and played too more for an encore too. The place was packed by then too. They played mostly stuff off the new release but there was a great mix of all their songs honestly. After the show we walked back to the car and had monsters. So good. They were room temp though lol.
Then we got back to my friends house to spend the night cause it got too late. We ended up watching this disney channel orginal movie (DCOM if you know you know) lemonade mouth. About these high schoolers that start a band and break out into song at the most random moments and get the song right first try without any effort lol. After that we went to bed. Sleeping on the floor for a bit helped me fix my legs from the show. They were feel pretty sore. People say its good for you too. I may need to switch to it in the future as crazy as it sounds.
Then in the morning we were so tired and out of it but we tried watching this stoner movie called pizza movie. It was so bad we got like 20 minutes in had to give up on it. It was that bad. Who is trying to bring back this genre of movie what the hell. I drove back today and got met with someone I don't really know when I got out of the car. They asked if we played a show in the city. And I said we saw someone else. They must of heard from my family. But there was a tinge of hate and resentment when I mentioned the big city. Like I don't get it. Yeah you can hate whichever city you want and I get that. But what is with this hate for the bit cities now. What are people supposed to do? Live out in a farm in the middle of nowhere? I don't get it. It bothers me a little bit how people have just become afraid of these cities. Like don't get my wrong they have a lot of problems. But people just love hating on people coming together or something. Idk. Its so dumb. I get it if you have it out for one city for one reason or another. But hating on all cities is kind of weird. Idk.
Either way the show was life changing and beyond words. When you see a band that good live it is unmatched, there is nothing like it. The connection between people in band is what make it so good too. Like ahhh so sick. I also stopped running. I think I might be done. I've starting to realize which I already knew and like i've been saying. It isn't worth it doing something you hate just for little to no gains. At least for be personally. Its sad that all that training went to waste. But I really don't want to continue even just a little more to finish a marathon. Also on the way back home someone dropped their phone out of their car, it was weird seeing that in real life. I was worried at first about going to the show but i'm so glad we went its always so good to get out or do something. What an amazing showwww like come on.
Today I am seriously considering stopping my marathon training. Its not that I lack discipline or that I'm not trying my best. I have been training for like 12+ weeks straight now. Running pretty much every day. I finally really just had enough. It has been good conditions too. I think I am realizing in life you really just have to prioritize your own needs over anything else. (if it really is this bad). Sure it was a side dream to run a marathon. But am I really willing to sacrifice this much time just to quit once I run it and finish the marathon? I don't even enjoy to process anymore. I love being outside but you can't even enjoy it cause you are just focused on maintaining your pace. Am I really doing this for me? Or am I just doing it cause running it would be "cool" and everyone would respect me more for it. Even though I know I have the discipline already. But is the discipline even worth it if you are getting nothing out of it? If you aren't seeing anything change in your actual life? I picked up running to help myself mentally and honestly it just takes more out of your day than it gives back. (atleast for me). People say that it gives you energy but really you're just tired the entire day. I did this to prove a point that its not that hard to really get into running. Which I still believe it isn't. Its a workout where there is absolutely no skill involved. The more you put into it. The more you are rewarded with longer and faster running. Thats it. Its not like basketball or soccer or any sport really where you have to learn so much other stuff besides being at your physical peak. And there is so much to enjoy in that skill. But for running its just the same boring thing day after day. And then you come home and you are still depressed. So many people nowadays try and sell people that working out is the key to mental health and curing whatever you have. (Including me who fell for it like an idiot) I've tried so hard to make this work but it just ruins a lot of my days. I'm tired of not following what feels right. (as corny as that sounds) Who am I trying to impress? What is the point of this? If I plan on just quiting afterwards anyways. I think this stuff is so dumb. I have respect for people who actually have hobbies sports included there is so much to learn. Kind of a hot take but working out isn't a hobby. What are you actually learning/developing? It's a straight forward line. Something as simple and straight forward like skipping rocks atleast has technique and difference. So many different ways to do it. But at the end of the day you are just working out to improve your body. Not a craft. Not that every hobby has to be a skill. Like maybe hiking would be considered a hobby because you can do so many different things when you are hiking. Even though most of it is walking. There is a sense of progression with going to different spots or something. IDK its late I just want to have some more peace. I would be lying also If I said it doesn't make me feel a little better about the food I eat, how I look, and my ego. But all those things shouldn't need to be boosted by running. It just makes me insecure.
After my run this morning I drove to band practice and it really just shows what life is really all about. Not worrying about all this small stuff that wastes our time. Like running for ego and for other people to feel like I am loved. Just enjoying the music. We worked on some new stuff and It was going pretty well. I was worried we wouldn't be able to figure out the drums on this one that I really like but we got it down and it sounds so much better now. Then afterwards we had spaghetti for dinner and after that we went to frisbee golf with some friends. I'm pretty bad at it lol but it was such a nice day out not to go. The course is really nice too with a decent amount of open shots and a good mix of medium to hard shots. There were these stoner guys there too who were insane at it and were behind us sort of when we qued up to play the hole. They thought people were breaking into cars and some person was being weird. But we didn't find the weird person they were talking about in the parking lot. So they could have been just tripping out that entire situation lol. They were pretty dang cool and chill though. And seemed like nice dudes. Then we got mcdonalds afterwards. Which I don't typically like. But chicken nuggets are chicken nuggets. Plus the sprite and fries were good. Then I drove back home at night and there was this traffic stop where they were fixing the power lines. It looked insane at night with all the wires dangling.
Anyways yeah I want to quit really bad. There is so much that running has taken from my days. Rather than giving back. If anything it has just made me more lazy. There is so much stuff I want to do. But then I go for my run and it doesn't help and I feel terrible and feel like I don't deserve to try or don't deserve to try something fun. So my current plan is to either sign up for a race like one that is really soon. In the next week or two. Or completely quit right now. Both sound good. I put so much work into this marathon training thing that I can probably run one and finish even if my time is horrible. Which is all that matters. Or I can quit right now and try and deal with the fomo that will come with. But atleast I will know I made a decision that actually was for myself and my health for once in my life. Life is too short to train for another month and hate my life. And I feel running is contributing to that.
This was the first day this year that felt like summer and not spring. The air felt different for some reason and the moon was a crescent. We played frisbee golf till the sun went down and the purple of the night came out. It is so crisp. This is what its about. It reminds me of when I was happpy when I was young.
Pick up Frisbee Golf for Fun and Please Let The Heat Protect me From Everything Ever
I've been waking up a bit earlier to go for my runs now that they are taking like 2 hours a day now. Hopefully I can keep it up. But, it was raining and super windy the entire time. And at some point im just like "what am I doing" "this is so dumb im wasting my life". What benifit am I actually getting out of this other than the satisfaction of something hard. (Hard work and disipline are overrated and i'm tired of denying it and the online brainwashing) Basically nothing. Its a waste of time. I feel myself getting more and more sour with the world each passing day. Sure I have the off good day. Like band practice or a nice spring day full of stuff to do. But after that I'm so lost on what to do to fill up the days. Now that I am off the internet bad habit. What am I supposed to do. Nothing is fun. I miss enjoying music like when I was younger. Why can't I just listen to music anymore? What is wrong with me?
Yesterday I made these lemon shortcake things. And I messed them up and felt so bad about myself like I just wasted all that time making them and didn't even enjoy them. But felt like I had to other wise I would just rot. It feels like wasting time no matter what I do and i'm just rotting either way. I am jealous of normal people who just live life and don't have to think about this stuff and are more often than not happy with their day to day lives. I get annoyed by pretty much everything. Even making music, something I used to love is so hard for me to do now cause I just want it be good and perfect. Or even just good and now I don't even know what good is anymore.
During my run I fantasized about leaving home and being homeless and never talking to my family again. How cliche of me. But, I would be better if I just lived on a deserted island with a volleyball as a friend. Atleast that way it would be warm and nice. I know it would be awful being homeless cause basically now you get treated worse than actual criminals for being homeless. Even if you haven't done anything wrong. People are just naturally biased creatures I guess. Including me too. What is wrong with everything. But atleast it would be nice to be free of technology and people. (People say that its just nostalgia. But because of technology I will never agree with them that things wouldn't be better if you lived before the internet) And for once actually get out of my small town. Head somewhere warmer. Where the sun can give me sunburns all day. And I can sleep in the heat of night. My family is terrible but its not their fault its just the way people are. Even when you try to actually say whats on your mind they don't listen or change or even know what you are saying. So I just keep quiet its easier that way.
I need to find something to do. I wish I was optimistic and could have fun everyday. But, its just my dumb awful fault people would say. Which they aren't completely wrong. I keep falling back into bad thinking patterns I guess
The rain is starting up again
Today I jumped out of bed like I said lol. Even though that is a funny thought of jumping out of bed like in a cartoon. It helps you just tackle the day so much better I feel like. Then I fixed Valorant the game i've been trying to rank up in. With a bunch of nerdy firewall and fps settings. Even though Valorant is really not my thing, my friends got me into it. I finally got to gold today. Its really all thanks to fixing my ping. I was playing with like 100 to 70 ping pretty much most games. The problem was actually selecting the server you want to play on. Like im idiot why didn't I try that before hand. So I was connecting to servers way far away servers from where I was. It was so much easier today too. I pretty much got carried and had easy games. Compared to when I was tryhard and practicing everyday like a month ago. I'm glad I finally have this done and not weighing on my mind. Cause I was so close so many times. I was like 1 game away like 7 times it was crazy. But with the better ping it was soooo much easier. The game was so much more smooth. The feeling is more relief that its over. Rather than satisfaction of getting the goal done. Now I can just relax and not have to tryhard every game and can try out different fun stuff. Even though it might not be that big of an achievement cause its still pretty low in the ranks. I'm glad I just finished something I set my mind on doing this year. Even if people might get there in like a week.
I went for my run today earlier and it was nice because of that getting it out of the way. But I saw one of my friends uncles without any of the other family there and it was kinda awkward like what am I supposed to say. We just said hello and whats up but yeah. WHY AM I SO AWKWARDDD AAHAHHHHH WHYyyyyyyy brooooo funyyy aaaaaaa I hate this. I never want to talk to people again. I know you just gotta give yourself some slack and kinda awkward interactions are just bound to happen in life. But aaahhhhh why does it still feel badd and hurt.
IDK another action packed spring day today to be fair. It was fun playing games with my friends for most of the day. I also was cooking dinner tonight and made tacos with the ground beef and trying out different seasonings. The food was just alright to kinda good. Another dinner in the books. I have to give myself some credit compared to when I never used to cook though.
Today I went to jam with the same people from some previous jams that I met. It was so fun. I woke up late at 11 cause I was so tired from working the day before and doing a ton and running. I feel like its better to just jump out of bed rather than right away worrying about the day. But I woke up, got ready and drove right over. It was so nice on the drive even though I got caught in trafic for like 10 minutes away from where I was supposed to meet up with everybody. People can not handle 1 lane being closed with just cones, like bruh. Then I got there and it was so fun. The jamming was more melancholic sounding today. There was one jam song that we played and it kinda reminded me of valentines day I play in A. We ate spuds with bacon bits and cheese and everything. I've never had baked potatos with more than just butter and salt. We laughed and the sun came out and it was nice. I even got perserved lemons that I'm gonna make for a recipe from one of my friends moms. Cause I had it before at their house. I'm hyped to make that it will be tasty if I don't mess it up. It was so good last time. We talked about Hawaii and laughed. Then the final jam song was so good. It was fast paced and I figured out a cool riff with back and forth on drums. The phone mic we were using too was really good on that one. This might become a regular thing too which would be awesome. I hope it doesn't take time away from my band though. If this becomes a band. The drive home was so nice too. We had to end early cause one person had to be at another practice. I listened to Albert Hammond Jr. on the way back and some other stuff so good. Then I pretty much had no time and went for my run. I tried to slow it down but I just fell into my normal pace. It was nice cause as I was getting back the sun was setting. There was also a family playing volley ball classic Saturday moment. Then I got back and got on games. I was so close to a good rank up but thats okay it was still fun.
What a great day. This is what spring is all about. Everything being so chill and I wasn't really socially anxious this time on the drive over. I was really worried before but this time I wasn't IDK. It was nice. When you fill up your day and time you don't have time to think about the bad stuff. Everyone is so cool too that i'm getting to know. And I hope I keep connecting and learning about everyone and laughing. I wish everyday was like this. This is what it is like when you don't do your bad habits too. Its that simple sometimes.
The no rain streak continues. What an amazing time once you feel you can have fun. Spring I love you
What does it mean to live? Change is really the only way to move forward and live life. Maybe life is all about change. After brainrotting all day and not even doing what I want or even enjoy. Ignoring all our responsibilities you really just gotta question is this how it was meant to be? Sure we had TV ruining our lives before the internet. But it was no where near as focused and manipulative as it is now. And before we had TV we had trashy books and drugs to get addicted to. Sure, there is always something to waste your life away on and not live. But, you just have to admit at some point it was so much different. I think I have to stay off the internet to make change. IDK cause I can't self control this bad habit. It just spirals into wasted days, months, years. IDK I just get so sad without it and with it. The little joy I get from it being my comfort and avoiding myself. Isn't worth the sadness of the wasted time.
My run today was nice but slow cause my legs were dying from overrunning. So i'm gonna try and slow down the pace to be able to get more volume in and go faster. Thank god the sun streak continues also.
IDK this isn't it. This is not the life
Today I went on my run and it was nice out I ran on the beach and the sun was shining although windy. I feel like I'm not improving at all though. Like I know that you have to have some level of patience with yourself and getting to marathon level ready. But, wow it just feels like my speed and milage isn’t even improving that much or at all. Everyday I wake up and run and feel the same.
After my run today I was feeling really down and relapsed again on my bad habits. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Maybe I really just don’t want to change and thats really the issue. Like I know its an addiction thing. But, why can’t I just stop? I should have more reason too cause this has been going on for years and indulging hasn’t made me any happier. And i’m not happy while doing it and its just a form of procrastination from life. What is the point. At some point I have to hold myself accountable and just quit. But, when I try to quit my brain gets scared that i’ll never make it and goes back to relapsing. Idk I wish I never got into this stuff. I think I need it but I really don’t. Its poisoned my mind so much. When will it ever be done? I think it might be lack of motivation or trying or both. I have nothing in my life really urging me that much to quit. So i’d rather just waste my life away than cut it short. I have to make today different. I have to do it this attempt. This will be the last day. I can’t have doubt anymore in my life. These habits are killing me.
I'm still not over my birthday being a complete waste this year. But, hopefully I'll get over it soon. Why can't things be good. I'm so dumb and awful. I hope it never rains again. Its been clear for a good amount now
I knew that today was gonna be a low moment. Sure nothing was really that different but I just felt so low today. Today was the day I was born and sure many people don’t care about birthdays especially as you get older. But I think on some level we all want our days to be a bit more special or at least consistently better. But, today wasn’t that. My birthdays have always been a low day for me. Ever since we moved when I was younger and had no friends to invite and it was always a let down. My parents would always find a way to stress me out and it put so much pressure on my birthdays. Because it if wasn’t good it wouldn’t happen again for another year. And if it wasn’t good then maybe I wasn’t good or the rest of my days wouldn’t be good. Now after let down after let down. I am here wishing the whole thing never happened. Yeah sure, I got a message sent wishing me a happy birthday from some of the real ones in my life. It kinda goes to show who really knows you and who doesn't. When you aren’t on an app that tells you when its somebody’s birthday. But I also understand not remembering cause its hard to sometimes. I didn’t really do anything special at all today. I didn’t want to plan anything either cause I’m afraid that its gonna be a letdown again. I remember crying so much when I was kid about that. I remember I tried really hard to make a cake that was special and was like this special kind of cake that was kind of hard to make. And it ended up tasting awful and that was my big thing for myself and I cried pretty hard about that one. And I think no one came over too for that day. Another year I really wanted a hamster. But instead of that my sister got a guinea pig randomly one day at the pet store with my family and I wasn’t there. So instead of getting a hamster for my birthday I had to wait like 3 weeks or something after my birthday while my sister got a guinea pig. Like I can’t make this up. God that was a really bad time. I’m not trying to pity myself and throw a pity party. But, just looking back at the times can you really blame me for not wanting to try something. Just every time I would try something or my family would plan something it would go bad. Like just last year I specifically told my family to not get me a film camera cause I don’t live anywhere near where you can get film developed. I asked for digital camera if they happened to see one. But not to get me a film camera. And since they went to a camera show without me. Guess what, they got me a film camera. Its all this stuff that just builds up over the years that makes you absolutely hate this.
Today even my family asked me want I wanted for dinner but I know anything I ask isn’t gonna be done. So I just had to make dinner myself and for the family which took up like most of my free time today. The other time was spent running. It was a long run today and it was warmer so I was having a harder time running. But luckly I ran a bit in the ocean to cool off my feet. Which was nice. But man it took so much time and for what. How is this really benifiting me? Just to tire myself out so I don’t feel so awful all the time. But then afterwards im just super tired and sad. And I still feel bad when I run like WHAT AM DOING ANYMORE FOR Eifnaofnaefaefuiaebvzbvi.
People are just selfish creatures. Even myself. Everyone is just so mean too. I hate people. Whats the point in living in a world with these people. At somepoint whats really the difference from boycotting a system thats horrible with horrible people. And boycotting a world that has horrible people and if you are part of the problem. Atleast thats how I feel sometimes. Like I don’t do anything good. I’m not a good person. So if I wanna make it better than whats the point of being a part of the system. Sure there are some good nice people. But its so rare that I don’t even know anymore. We all think we are good people but we really aren’t. Thats how people in jail can still think they didn’t do anything wrong. Its cause as humans we all think we do things that are good and are good people. When thats not always the case.
its just every goddamn year is the same. Its so hard to keep lying to myself that things are gonna change. Even though thats just what you have to do.
Why can’t we just have one day. Whats so wrong about that? Adults act like its nothing special and lie to themselves that its just like every other day. But is it? Yeah good luck trying to ignore your husband/wife’s anniversary we all know that everything is amazing when you both ignore that date. Sure it doesn’t matter in a grander scheme. And it is weird getting presents as an adult. People still just go out drinking and partying. But, why can’t you just have one day for yourself? Don’t be a rude person to everyone around you and be a narcissist. But, Why is it wrong to want something for yourself? You really don’t think its special being born? Like have you seen the chances of being born as a human. Like its insane. Even if the calculation is a bit not fully accurate cause you can calculate it in different ways. Like its still gotta be something right? I don’t know just something I was thinking about.
I remember one year at college it was so bad that for my birthday I was gonna leave everything behind and be “homeless”. I ended up walking like probably 7 miles or something after the sun went down. But, I went back cause of “friends” yeah like anyone would actually feel different if I disappeared after like 3 months. And looking back at that one time. I wish I did never come back.
Sometimes the gifts people gave me when I was younger was so last minute too like from a gift shop last minute. Which really shouldn’t matter that much I will always appreciate the gesture. But wow it seems like those gifts from those friends like they never even knew me at all. (not to be ungrateful)
So yeah another awful birthday where I didn’t do anything and nothing happend. Just like every other day. Just like people say as they get older. Birthdays don’t matter. So I guess they don’t. Another thing i’ve noticed as i’ve gotten older is they are just slowly phasing out every holiday that isn’t christmas. Have people noticed this too? I swear this isn’t just me getting older. Not that my birthday should be some national holiday or something lol. Just something I was thinking about. But, Like halloween for example. It seems like no one is actually putting any effort into this anymore or not even trying to give out candy anymore. Or do anything. You legit just buy a costume off amazon from squid game or whatever is popular at that time. Like its a fricking cringe anime/pop culture convention that you never even went to. I get dressing up and cosplaying, its fun I get it. Its also like little kids sometimes doing this. They should be able to go as whoever they want. I have done video game charaters when I was a kid doing trick or treating. But really this is what we are doing now? How are the guys from squid game scary? It just feels kinda off idk. Its fine though. I blame the adults and parents honestly. As the next generation became parents the need and want for community completely died off. Also the scare of strangers and dangerous stuff in the candy. Cause god forbid your kid eat sugar when everything you already buy at the grocery store is already processed into oblivion. Old movies of kids going trick or treating alone and going on adventures just isn’t a thing. I remember when I was at my old neighborhood when I was 5 we used to have a giant group of people and every house had candy. Now its like you are lucky if half the neighborhood has candy or you have to go to a completly designated spot for candy. So its not on homeowners to go out and buy candy and don’t have to do anything. What is wrong with people. I get it food and candy is expensive now. But, I will never believe people when they just write some of this stuff as nostalgia. Its just gaslighting just say what it is. If it was actually like something beforehand then there is not shame in talking about it and saying why its wrong now.
Anyways I could talk for ever about the downfall of holidays and community. Its not just halloween its Valentines day, Easter, ETC. So yeah it was just another day that was my birthday. I will wake up tomorrow and try to forget about the missed opportunity of today. All I can think about is wasted time and how I fill up my days with meaningless stuff to do. That takes forever. and ever and ever. Next year I really got to try. I didn’t plan anything and I’m glad but wow this is just awful. Another selfish thing is my family wanted me to go on this trip with them when I really didn’t want to. Why can’t I decide for myself if I can go or not. Why does no not mean no. I knew I would have a bad time if I went and i’m glad I put my foot down and didn’t go. I’m not a puppet I have to tell myself that I have agency. If I want things to change.
I also broke the rule for myself that I should stay off youtube/"SoOSCial MeaiAIda". I think I finally realize that it isn't helping me more forward in my life in anyway and is taking up so much of my time like 10 hours plus most days. But its comfort that I just find hard to find a reason to full give it up. When I've been watching youtube since I was like 5 and have loved it ever since. Idk but I need to give it up and broke that rule I gave for myself on Tuesday this week. That is bad. And I am bad. Its sad.
Idk running is dumb. My life is dumb. The Internet is Dumb and sucks, I hate my birthday and everyone. I wish today was better.
Like I said in the last post today I went to jam with people from the local music scene and I was pretty scared of meeting new people cause when you meet new people and they are cool it’s honestly way more weird and anxious than normal people who you don’t really need to talk too idk. Its all scary talking to new people.
I made the correct assessment last night that it would all be fine and it would be an amazing fun spring experience. Although after I still have some of that classic self-hatred for no reason. Like the way I look, My guitar playing being awful, Still being a socially awkward loser. You know all the classic stuff. I know this self-deprecation isn’t good. But, I just can’t help it. It’s honestly something I need to work on.
But yeah, it was an amazing day today. I technically met two of the other people from the hangout from another hangout so it wasn’t as awkward for the first time. And the other guy was pretty chill like I thought. But, I wasn’t in my own head as much. It was all jokes, pizza, and music.
I played guitar and there were drums, two synths/keyboards, it was pure aura magic or something. There was this one moment with the garage door open and the spring weather was shining. And I could feel the sun on my back. And the synth was so loud and high and the vocals that one of the person was doing on the funny phone microphone was ear-piercingly loud so high on both and symbols. It was amazing. Those are the type of moments I love. I will definitely cherish that memory this spring. Like all the trees were so greener than usually I don’t know it was awesome lol. We had pizza too from costco and fruit, red grapes and watermelon. So good. Then after jamming I met up with some other friends that I know more well and played frisbee golf as the sun was setting. We played until it got dark and it was still warm, lets go. The course was at the college I used to go to so I was kinda worried about going there and seeing people I knew. (That college experience was a pretty bad time but thats for another time). Our team lost barely by 2 points and everyone just kept just hitting trees lol. Then me and my good friend tried getting drinks but it was closed at the mart on campus. Either way it was really good talking with him. Then we all said goodbye, and I drove back to my place (which is a long drive). Then I hopped on video games and chilled out. What a day.
Even though I was pretty nervous and thought yesterday night and I would do awful and everything would be awful. I do have to give myself some credit if im gonna get better at life. I did flow well in conversation. But, its also like I shouldn’t be so analytical about this stuff and my life. Though in my mind I still feel like I didn’t connect or try too. Its different compleicated. It was mostly just music and not that much talking so it wasn’t that much on me. The previous night I was so worried I woke up like 4 times in the middle of the night worried about it. It was really bad I barely got any sleep.
The jam was so dang sick like the synths were crazy. And everybody was so cool and nice. I even got complimented on my guitar playing. Which is like crazy cause im pretty not that good. But im pretty glad people like it I guess or that it means something that someone would say that or something idk. I also made bread this morning ah that was so good. What a day. I’ve had better ones. BUT THIS IS REALLY WHAT SPRING DOES TO SOCIETY. It makes me have good days for once. It was still awkward for me at some points but idk it was just good. I wanna get better at talking to people.
Anyway as i’m writting this its my birthday cause the day rolled over past midnight. Which I will probably update on cause I have a lot of thoughts about it and weird feelings. I also didn’t have time to go for a run today which hasn’t happend in a while. I feel kinda glad but also sad that I missed it lol. Anyways you gotta count your blessings at least for when things actually go good.
Living The Spring Life
Its midnight and im still up worrying about what the morning has to offer. Im going to go play music and jam with random people who are in the local music scene and I know from mutual and its gonna be kinda of a mid size gathering.
I KNOW THAT EVERYBODY FEELS THIS WAY WHEN FIRST MEETING PEOPLE. But damn I feel like I regret opening my mouth everytime I speak. Like maybe I just have been so out of socializing for so long and living the unemployed hermit lifestyle for too long, gotten too used to my circle. But wow this stuff is so hard. I know you shouldn't care about what people think but when they are cool and seem like the people to would want to be friends with than why is that wrong?
No one is 100% void of not feeling a bit anxious around going to meet new people but I just don't understand how people are this good at sociallizing. I have never been good at it. But in the past couple years its gotten really bad. I just make myself look like a idiot. I just also come to realize that I hate people. But im also a hypocrite in saying that cause I wish I could talk to everybody and feel good and normal.
I get that its exposure therapy and "no one cares" at the end of the day. I just can't take anymore let downs man. Even when I met some of the people from this group the other day and I thought it went well. I still felt so fricking sad and awkward and in my own head. And after on the drive home I was just feeling so bad about it. LIKE GOD.
PLEASE LET ME BE NORMAL AND HAVE EVERYTHING GO GOOD FOR THE JAM PLEASE. The nice thing about music though is you don't have to talk with your words lol you just play. GAAAhhhhhh what is wrong with me. The best people are always the ones that are chill and can have a good conversation with.
Some of this isn't even all my fault, my generation is just so fricking hard to talk to. We all just collectivally lost some of the ablity of have a conversation with anyone because of the internet. But I also blame the parents if im being honest. Im not one of those guys that blames it all on the internet but it is like 70% internet 28% parents 2% just the way things have evolved.
please let this day go good again I know I shouldn't need to have to be liked by anyone to make myself feel right. But at the same time its amazing to connect with people. That is what life is all about. Its about the social aspects and connection. IDK PLEASE SAVE ME FROM SOCIAL INTERACTIONS Afeaifbeaibjk
I went for my run today. Which I don't even know why I got into running or why I keep doing it. But there was this guy on a bike out on my run and I was bit futher ahead than he was so he had to pass me eventually. He was playing music through a speaker and karma police came on. Which say what you want about Radiohead but I think they still are a good band. Even though I would agree with some of the hate.
It made me think of the times when I was a kid when I first got into music and was listening to new music on my headphones while skating. It made me realize how much running is not that for me. Sure its nice to get outside. But whats the point if you aren't enjoying it. I don't know what I am doing anymore man. It feels like I should be living but im just not. Maybe its needing to let go of past trash in your mind. But the grind really isn't worth it if you aren't enjoying I think im realizing. But i'm so close to being ready for a marathon and that is one of my mini dreams so I might as well tough it out. But at some point too its like whats the point if you aren't enjoying the process. Is it really a dream worth persueing in the first place?
There are these moments in life that I think we all know about the ones where we really take a moment and be like "okay is this really it?" "is this really what we are doing?" and I think this was kind of a micro one today. A guy playing music while biking. Living the dream on a friday. Spring air and the weather heating up. The most beautiful path you can imagine by the beach. And here is me grinding at something people online would say would make me happy how pathetic lol. I like being outside but should everything you do need that much effort and grinding in order to be enjoyed? I've been thinking about this a little lately and a lot more a couple months ago. Some of the most hard working people don't even try that hard when you actually think about it. Yes they do have some amount of discipline but also they just are having too much fun that the work has become effortless. That they just live it. No need to force themselves to do it. Idk just something i've been thinking about. Cause if life is really all nothing but pushing and pushing and pushing at somepoint I will quit and never regret it, if this is all there is.
Spring is crazy man thank god winter is over but it makes me feel a bit anxious that spring will be over too before I blink. Atleast this website is giving me something to do. And i'm finishing what I started.
spring please catch me like a trampoline this year
what is legitamatly wrong nothing is getting updated lmao
Bro this feels so weird getting back into doing the website. Like all I want to do is rot. aaaaaa